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Freshman Year, Spring Semester

    During the last few days of my first semester I was too busy to really think about what'd happened between Skyler and me, but it was always in the back of my mind. Since we had to submit an essay for English 101 instead of taking an exam, I didn't see him in class either. With everyone doing last-minute cramming before exams, the dorm had gone so quiet as if it were empty already, even though everyone was still there.

    After my last exam, I said goodbye to my roommate Rory by giving each other a long hug. I knocked on my suitemates' door to say bye to them, and it took Eric a full minute to answer. When he did, he was naked and sweaty, and his boyfriend Will was in bed, hiding his junk with the cover.

    I told the boys I was leaving. Will gave me a friendly wave from the bed, but Eric came in for a hug. I felt his sweat on my hand as I patted his back, and his semi-hard dick brush against my leg. I wondered if he ever told his boyfriend about what happened between us on Halloween. It seems like the two weren't particularly... conservative when it comes to stuff like that. I was getting the impression that gay guys in general seemed to be way more open about sex.

    I took my small suitcase and rolled it to the hallway. I looked to my left at Room 148. Skyler's room. He was probably in there, studying. I should go say bye, but I didn't know how to. I turned right and headed for the exit, trying to ignore the fact I felt like a coward.

    My brother Don was already waiting for me in the parking lot. He came out of the car to give me a hug. Even though he was wearing a long-sleeve thermal shirt, his bulging muscles were visible through it. We put my suitcase in the back and got in the car, driving to his and his wife's apartment where we'd be spending a couple of day before flying home to our parents'.

    "Hold on, I need to send a quick text," I told Don from the passenger seat, ignoring the questions he was trying to ask me. I tapped Skyler's name on my phone.

    "Hey, sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, I had to leave in a rush," I lied. "I'll see you in a few weeks. Happy holidays!" I thought for a few seconds and typed "😘" before hitting Send.

    A couple of seconds later, I saw Skyler read my text, but he didn't reply.

    Even though it was absolutely freezing outside, Don and Ellen kept their apartment very warm. Ellen had to work for a couple more days before we could leave, so Don and I spent the days playing video games on his sick new console. Agreeing not to tell our folks, Don had a couple of beers with me. It was the most we had bonded since... well, ever.

    In their toasty apartment, Don spent most of the day in just the boxers he slept in, until finally taking a shower right before Ellen came back home. He and I were both athletic growing up, but I noticed how now he had that grown-man bulk, which looked good on him. His six-pack was gone and replaced by a bit of a belly, but his chest and his arms had never been bigger. I couldn't help but admire him as he spread his legs next to me on the couch, kicking my ass at the shooter game we were playing.

    The last night before our flight home, I could hear Don and Ellen fucking in the room next to me. Instead of focusing on her moans, it was Don's grunts that stood out to me.

    "I don't belong here," I thought every day at my parents' house. It was weird: this was the house I'd grown up in. A house full of family and neighbors for Christmas, just like I'd always known. But I felt out of place.

    I kept looking at photos of people from college, missing everyone, even the people I wasn't particularly good friends with. I needed to make sure they were real, that it hadn't all been a dream. Skyler had texted me a couple of days later to say it's fine and to enjoy my holidays, but we didn't talk more than that.

    In college, I'd started to feel like a different person, for so many various reasons. Now, back home, I felt schizophrenic, as if I was expected to be the same person I always was in high school. Except I wasn't that person anymore. And I didn't want to be.

    Whenever there'd be only guys in the room, I'd get asked about all the "crazy college pussy" I must be getting. At my school, even the biggest dude-bros didn't refer to girls as "good pussy," but it was pointless explaining this to everyone. Add to this my recent experiences with guys and my questioning sexuality, and all I could do was grin and say stuff like "Yeah, college girls are something else, man" and refuse to go into details when asked.

    I literally ran toward my room as soon as I was back at school in January. I wanted to shower and change as fast as possible, before joining everyone at the party in the multi-purpose room downstairs. 

    I smiled as I heard the beeping sound when my keycard unlocked the suite door. It was a Pavlovian reaction I'd developed: a feeling of being back home.

    Back in room 141, Rory was just out the shower himself. I gave him the tightest hug, feeling like he was more of a brother to me than my real brothers.

    At the party, I hugged familiar faces and made introductions with the few new students who were just starting and the new exchange students. I kept my eyes out for someone and spotted him soon enough: Skyler, talking to Nevaeh and a couple other girls.

    I walked up to them to say hi. Nevaeh, the extrovert that she was, immediately introduced me to the girls I didn't know and talked me up as if I were goods for sale.

    "Can I talk to you for a second?" I asked Skyler discreetly.


    I put my hand on his back and led him out of the room and to a couch right out in the hall.

    "How was your winter break?" I asked, sitting down next to him.

    "It was okay. It was good to see my old friends. My mom's new boyfriend's a bit of a dick, but whatever."

    "Why, what's he like?"

    "Well for starters, he's like ten years younger than her. He's one of those guys that think they're hot enough to get away with being a douche but whatever, he'll probably be gone by the time I go back. How was your break?"

    I took my time and told Skyler about how weird and uncomfortable I felt back home. How it felt like there were two of me now, Home-Aaron and College-Aaron. In telling him, I thought he of all people might identify. Funnily enough, he said he thinks he understands, but doesn't really feel the same way. Then I thought: maybe it's because he's openly gay back home.

    "I think a lot of it has to do with... what happened between us," I said carefully.

    Skyler looked me in the eyes and waited for me to continue.

    "Skyler, I don't want you to think that what happened didn't mean anything to me. But if I had to describe this whole thing in one word it would be 'confusing.' Like, I've always thought of myself as straight. But lately I've noticed myself looking at guys differently. Even my own brother, for fuck's sake! I was at his place thinking 'Wow, he's gotten buff.' Like, it feels like I can't control my thoughts, which is scary. But I had girlfriends all throughout high school, middle school even, and I was genuinely in love with them. Well, as in love as you can be at that age. And I did enjoy having sex with them."

    "Sounds to me like you might be bi, or pansexual–"

    "See, I don't even know what that means."

    Skyler took his time before answering.

    "There's a whole bunch of sexualities you might identify with. I recommend you google it and learn more. Not because I don't want to explain it to you, but because I think you'll get more out of it if you do it yourself."

    "Will do," I nodded, making a mental note.

    "But, like," I continued after a few seconds, "why would this all just hit me now, after 18 years? I've been surrounded by hot guys my whole life, locker rooms and all, and I never really felt... what I'm feeling now."

    Skyler thought about it for a bit.

    "Well, I'm not bi so I can't speak from experience, but I'd imagine that growing up it's easier to focus on the opposite gender, since that's what society's expecting of you anyway. Even I, as effeminate and obviously gay as I was growing up, I went through a phase where I tried to convince myself I liked girls. I'd look at the prettiest and girliest girls thinking I'm attracted to them, when in reality I was just attracted to girly things. So maybe, maybe, for you, you weren't into guys because it was easier not to be."

    I looked at him skeptically.

    "Listen," he continued, "sexuality's a complicated thing. Some people go to therapy for years tryna figure theirs out. Stop stressing and give yourself time." He squeezed my shoulder.

    "And as for me," he added, "don't worry about me. I'm fine. What we had meant something to me as well. But you're obviously not ready to take things further, and I wouldn't want you to. If ever you were ready, it might be nice. But until then, we'll just take it easy."

    I smiled and nodded gratefully.

    "In the meanwhile, I'm here if you need to talk."

    "Thank you, Sky. This... really means a lot to me."

    "Now, as cute as this party is, we're going to Nevaeh's to start drinking. You coming?"

    "Fuck yeah!"

    The fact I'd only picked easy classes my first semester came back to bite me in the ass this time around. I had a lot more work to do. I went from hanging out wit people most evenings, to only doing it a couple of times a week. I spent most of the time in my room, studying, except when Rory and his girlfriend Mia would ask me to go to the library so they could have sex.

    Rooming with Rory, we'd become completely comfortable with each other. Catching each other jerking off was no big deal, and we didn't even stop when it happened.

    "All that sex and you're still beating off," I noted one Saturday, waking up to Rory stroking his big dick in his bed.

    "Hey, what can I tell you, you know what it's like," he smiled and continued doing it.

    I myself had hooked up with a couple of girls this semester but only had sex with one, an exchange student from South Africa. As she was only here for one semester we tried not to get too attached, but the few times that we did it were still quite fun.

    Since I wasn't getting laid that often, my usual study breaks consisted of lying back in bed with my phone and headphones and watching porn. With the usual straight porn I watched, I noticed I'd started to pay more and more attention to the guys in it. As winter turned to spring, I started looking up bi porn instead. From there, it was a short amount of time before I was looking up gay male porn and cumming to it. 

    By this point, I was starting to make peace with the fact I wasn't straight. My phone seemed to have figured it out even before I did, and I was getting ads for Grindr and other apps to meet guys in my area. Curious to see what all the fuss was about, I gave in and downloaded Grindr. I picked a headless, shirtless photo of myself, and left most of my profile blank as I didn't know what to put in it anyway.

    I got a bunch of messages; quite a few at first, then fewer and fewer. I never texted anyone first. I ignored most of the messages I got, many of them by guys who wanted to hook up immediately (something I wasn't ready for) or by people who had other major red flags about them. After a few days, I got bored of the app and left it on my phone but forgot all about it.

    With all the work I was doing, the semester went by quickly. It didn't even hit me until the very end that some of the people would be leaving and I might never see them again.

    Rory and I were in Eric and Will's room, spending some quality suitemates time together one last time before their graduation. They'd decided to move in with Eric's parents until they figure out what they want to do after college. It seemed like a big step, but it was obvious how in love they were. They literally couldn't keep their hands off each other and stop kissing in front of us. When I noticed both of them pop boners under their shorts, it was clear they wanted to get down to business. Rory and I said goodbye and headed to our room.

    "It's just you and me now," I said, smiling.

    "Yeah. Listen, I was gonna have Mia over. We're not gonna see each other over the summer, so we were thinking–"

    "Say no more," I interrupted. "I got somewhere to be anyway," I lied.

    I took the elevator to the top floor, even though I had nothing to do there. I sat in one of the lobbies, looking aimlessly at the phone. Seems like everyone was busy fucking. Eric and Will, Rory and Mia... My South African fuck buddy was ghosting me, possibly fucking with someone else. I'd text Skyler, but he was already gone. He and I were both done with our finals early. I stuck around cuz I didn't want to miss the graduation ceremony, but he didn't care and was already home.  

    Over the summer, I'd be going back home too and working at my dad's shop. I remembered being back over Christmas and the thought of going through that for three whole months filled me with horror. I definitely wasn't ready to tell anyone back home I wasn't straight, especially since I didn't even know what I was. I realized just then that this meant I only had a few more days if I wanted to do anything with a guy, before having to unwillingly transform back into Home-Aaron.

    I got on Grindr and looked at some of the profiles I'd been ignoring. I got a couple of messages, but even as horny as I was it wasn't anyone I'd go meet right away. That was until I noticed a man I hadn't seen on here before.

    He was older, and for a second I wondered if he might work for the university. He was shirtless in his photo and had on a friendly smile, that made him feel approachable. I opened his profile.

    "Looking for no-strings fun, but that doesn't mean we need to be dicks to each other. Lots of experience. Come and find out. 😈"

    Something about it made me text him first.

    "Hey," I went for the standard opener, waiting to be rejected.

    "Hey there," he wrote back.

    "Haven't seen you around here," I wrote, unsure what else to say.

    "Just visiting for a few days."

    Thoughts swirled through my mind. Maybe this was a good thing. We hook up and he leaves. No muss, no fuss.

    "Any face pics?" my phone pinged.

    I thought about it for a few seconds, nervous to be that open just yet. What the hell, I figured, and sent a photo of myself in my high school football uniform, trying to make sure the guy knew I was a jock.

    "How old are you, kid?"

    "17 in that photo but 18 now."

    "You sure? I'll ask to see ID if we meet."

    "Sure, no prob." 

    "Wanna come over to my hotel later?"

    I looked around at the quiet dorm. Most people still had exams. "What else am I gonna do?" I thought.

    "What time?" I typed.

    Early that evening, I found myself at the stranger's hotel, which was luckily within walking distance. True to his word, he asked to see my driver's license before letting me in his room.

    "You want something to drink?" he asked as I walked into the swanky room. The lighting was dim and I noticed an open bottle of scotch.

    "So you won't fuck minors but you'll serve them liquor?" I chuckled. I felt nervous but wanted to break the tension.

    "Kind of a big difference there," he poured scotch into a fresh glass. "Besides, who says I'm gonna fuck you?" he said seductively, passing me the glass.

    I liked this guy's style. I looked him in his captivatingly blue eyes as we cheered and took a sip.

    "We didn't really talk a lot before you invited me here," I stated the obvious.

    "I don't like chatting on apps too much. I'd rather meet in person. If I don't like you, I'll just ask you to leave."

    "What if I say no, you think you can take me?" I flexed my bicep as much as the sleeves of my polo shirt would allow.

    "I don't know, let's see," he pushed me onto the bed and pinned me down.

    I struggled to break free, but he was surprisingly strong for a man his age.

    "Okay, you got me," I gave in, smiling.

    "Oh I got you alright," he grunted and leaned in to kiss me. As rough as he was being pinning me down, the kiss was surprisingly tender.

    After a few seconds, he lifted his head and looked me in the eyes. I licked my lips and opened my mouth, signaling I wanted more.

    He leaned in and kissed me again, this time more aggressively. We went for a few minutes, his stubble feeling rough on my chin.

    "I... I've never been fucked before," I blurted. This was all happening so fast and now that I was here I knew what I wanted.

    "Yeah?" he said and released his grip over my right arm. Slowly, he took it and placed my hand on his crotch. I could feel his rock-hard dick through his shorts.

    "I didn't bring protection. Do you have any?"

    He took a deep breath.

    "No," he said and released his grip over my left arm as well.

    I lay quiet for a few seconds.

    "I still wanna do it," I said.

    He looked at me, sitting on the bed.

    "Don't you ever, ever, believe strange men when they tell you this. But I'm STD-free. I get tested regularly."

    "That's okay. I believe you."

    "You shouldn't!" he barked sternly, sounding paternal. "You don't know me."

    "Listen," I said. "I just realized I'm into men. And I'm about to go back to my very conservative town for a three-month-long dry spell. I want you to fuck me before I go."

    He didn't say anything. He just took off his T-shirt and his shorts. He'd been freeballing, so he was now completely naked.

    I took my clothes off as well and lay on my stomach. I thought of Skyler when I fucked him, with him on top sitting on my dick. But this time, I wanted to feel this man's weight on top of me. 

    He may not have had condoms, but he had a large bottle of lube right by the bed. He reached for it and I heard him stroking his dick, lubing it up. 

    "Take a deep breath," he leaned forward and whispered in my ear.

    I felt the wet tip of his dick against my asshole. So far so good. Then, he started to go in.

    "Stop. Stop!" I said. "It hurts."

    "If you're tense it's gonna hurt. Try to relax."

    Is there anything less relaxing than being told to relax? I closed my eyes and tried to breathe.

    "Try some of this," he pulled out a small glass bottle.

    "I don't do drugs," I shook my head.

    "It's not drugs. Just poppers. Helps a lot of people relax their hole. It's not bad, just don't go crazy and take too much." 

    I had no idea what was in that bottle. But for whatever stupid reason, from as soon as I saw this man's photo I felt like I could trust him.

    I saw him inhale, holding the bottle to each nostril and holding the other one shut. He held the bottle to my nose then, and closed one of my nostrils, looking at my eyes and nodding reassuringly. 

    I took a small sniff. It reminded me of sniffing glue. I took another sniff through my other nostril.

    "You're gonna feel a rush in your head soon. It'll last for a few seconds and then that is it."

    He got back on top of me, with me on my stomach. I felt his dick against my hole again. I felt a pleasant sort of dizziness, and I closed my eyes again and tried to relax. 

    "Auch!" I said. It hurt again.

    "The head is in. I'll try going deeper. Try to relax. If you can't that's okay and we'll stop, no big deal. But how much you can take has a lot to do with what's going through your head."

    I thought of the locker room in high school. All the sexy jocks around me, my friends. Guys whose bodies I didn't think I noticed in a sexual way... but didn't I? Many of them were still vividly engraved in my memory. Their abs, their pubes, their dicks...

    I thought of my older brother, sitting next to me in his underwear playing video games. I thought of seeing Prof. Carr's sexy selfies. I thought of Rory and the bond we shared, and the all the times we'd jerked off in front of each other. I thought of Eric sucking me off and swallowing my cum. I thought of Skyler and the first time we kissed, out in the rain. And the first time we fucked.

    The dizziness in my head was starting to clear out. I was back in the hotel room. I felt a dick deep in my ass.

    "Almost all the way in," I heard a voice behind me. "And I have a pretty big dick, if I may say so myself. So if you can take me, you're doing a great job for your first time."

    "Yes sir," I said, feeling like I was addressing a coach. In a way, I was: he was coaching me how to take a dick.

    "Good boy," he grunted and put his right hand round my neck, choking me very gently. With his left, he smacked my asscheek. The sound reverberated round the room.

    This was so much hotter than any other time I've had sex. I was being pinned down, choked, and fucked in the ass; but ironically, I felt liberated. 

    I felt the dick slide back and forth in my ass. The pain had turned to pleasure. I moaned out loud as he fucked me. Without having noticed it, I was fully hard.

    I felt the him pull me up until we were both on our knees. He fucked me from behind while jerking me off with his right hand.

    "Fuck yes! Oh my god, this feels so good," I moaned out. "Fuuuck, I'm gonna cum."

    That's when he stopped stroking me, and smacked my hand away when I reached for my dick. He fucked me for a few more minutes, then reached back and started jerking me off again. 

    "Now you can cum," he whispered in my ear, going faster and faster, as he started to pick up the pace while fucking me as well.

    Soon enough I was screaming loud enough for the whole floor to hear, while squirting cum all over the bed and the wall. The man pulled out and I felt him cum on my ass and my lower back.

    We both passed out in bed after that, cuddling. 

    "I don't have much time, I need to be somewhere," he said, but went on and explained to me just what poppers are, and said I need to be more careful with random guys off apps. He asked if I knew what PrEP was (I didn't) and said I should do some more research on gay sex before jumping into it with just anyone. I promised I would, as I put on my clothes and exchanged one last passionate kiss with him before leaving the room.

    On my way to the elevator, I felt like I was flying instead of walking. It wasn't until the elevator door shut behind me and I leaned against the mirror that I realized the guy and I never even exchanged names.

    My bags were packed. Unlike during winter break, we weren't allowed to leave our stuff over the summer. My brother Don would be picking me up later today, but first I wanted to attend the seniors' graduation ceremony, mostly because Eric and Will were in it. 

    I got out of the shower that morning and toweled off in the bathroom, naked and unbothered to cover up, when I noticed Eric's door was open and there were several people's voices coming from the room. I wrapped the towel around my waist, when Eric came out and saw me.

    "Aaron, hey," he said. "Come and meet my parents."

    I followed Eric to his room. There, along with Will, were Eric's two dads. 

    "This is Sven," Eric said, pointing at one of them; "and this is David," he said, pointing at the man who had fucked me at the hotel.

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