"It's all my fault!!!"
"Shhh. No, it's not, Richie. She was running after me!"
"And I was behind her. I should've paid attention, Patty. It's all my fault!"
"Come here. Come. Try to calm down."
"I'm– I'm scared, Patty."
"Shh. Everything's gonna be alright."
I woke up from another nightmare, this time in the middle of the day. My depression was getting worse, causing me to want to sleep day and night. I checked the time. My brother was still at work. And the liquor store downstairs would be open.
I took my wallet and headed downstairs.
"I'm sorry I'm late," I apologized to Kimi, taking a seat across from her at the restaurant. "Emergency with Richard."
"Oh my god, is he okay?!"
"He's fine, he's fine. Didn't mean to scare you," I looked around, trying to catch my breath. Everyone at this place looked so elegant and serene, eating their dinner calmly. Me, I felt like a mess. I took a sip of water, trying to get my shit together. "I just had to drive him somewhere."
The ice-cold water did the trick. Luckily, the elegant suit jacket I was wearing covered the pit stains I had underneath.
"After his accident, Richard started going to AA. He almost had a relapse today. He bought a bottle of scotch. He didn't open it, though. Called me up in a panic, so I went to pick him up and drive him to a meeting."
"That's very kind of you. I hope he's okay."
Even though this was less-than-perfect circumstance, it felt good to be complimented by Kimi. We'd been seeing each other for a month now, and I took every chance I could to impress her.
"He'll be fine. He had a bad dream. He's had these recurrent nightmares ever since we were kids."
"That sounds intense. Poor thing. He always seemed so nice and… normal, when we talked. You would think his life was perfect. Guess it goes to prove, you never know what's going on behind people's doors."
"No, you do not," I said. "Perfect" is exactly what everyone thought my marriage was before the divorce.
"What are they about, Richard's nightmares?" Kimi asked after we'd both placed our orders.
I sat silent for a moment.
"About our sister."
"Oh. I didn't know you have a sister."
"We don't. Her name was Olivia. She died when she was six. Hit by a car. Richard and I were also there."
"I'm so sorry," Kimi reached for my hand across the table. I liked the contrast between her delicate, manicured fingers, and my large, hairy knuckles.
"It was totally the driver's fault, he ended up in prison and everything. But my brother's been blaming himself ever since."
"Poor thing," Kimi seemed speechless. In all fairness, I don't think there was much she could say.
"It's okay," I said. "Richard's going to therapy now, he seems to really like the doctor he's seeing. He's making progress. Let's move on to merrier topics," I cracked a smile. "What're you doing next week, on Friday?"
"Let me check," she pulled out her phone. "Friday next week… is Valentine's Day?!"
"Precisely. I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date."
Even though we've been seeing each other for weeks, we'd never used the d-word yet.
"Patrick…" Kimi seemed positively stunned, and not necessarily in a good way. I was just as surprised to see her react that way. I mean, c'mon, isn't that what we've been doing this whole time, dating?!
"I just… enjoy spending time with you," I said. "So I figured… I know we haven't taken things to the next level, we haven't even kissed. Which is a big deal for me, by the way, waiting around. I like to move quickly. But with you… I think you're worth it."
Finally, Kimi smiled.
"Richard," she took my hand again, "there's a reason why I move slowly. I just wanna make sure the guy is…" she shook her head, then looked me in the eyes and said curtly, "I'm trans."
I didn't know how else to react.
"So you see," Kimi let go of my hand, "why I have to be careful when it comes to guys and dating. In my particular case, I still have a penis."
An uncomfortable silence followed. Thankfully, Kimi broke it by speaking up again.
"Coincidentally, today is my father's birthday. I haven't talked to him since I came out. To my mother either. The only person in my family I'm still in touch with is my brother Angelo in Boston."
I didn't know what to say. I looked down, and whether by accident or not, my eyes landed on her large tits and tempting cleavage.
"These are implants," she grabbed her boobs. "But the hair's all mine."
She ran her fingers through her beautiful black hair.
"And it's lovely," I smiled, and this time it was I who took her hand in mine.
"So is that Valentine's Day offer still on the table?" she asked.
I was doing it again! I do this every-fucking-time! Lusting after a man who hasn't even shown any interest in me. It was exactly what landed me in this fucking mess. And the worst part is, I couldn't even talk to Mr. Martinez about it now, 'cause it was another one of his patients.
I couldn't get Caleb out of my head. I hoped to bump into him every week after AA, but our meetings rarely ended at the same exact time, and I didn't wanna wait around and seem like a stalker. So I had to contend myself with seeing him once a week, after my appointment with Dr. Martinez, for a quick hello in the waiting room.
But in my mind, I saw his charming smile every single day. That time we went for coffee meant more to me than I'd even realized at the time. For Caleb though, it was probably just a friendly cup of coffee that he shared with a stranger, probably out of curtesy and pity more than anything else. Normally, I had to pay guys who look that good.
At least one good thing about my obsession with Caleb was that it kept my brother out of my mind. My sex dreams about Patrick were getting more and more frequent, now that he felt comfortable walking around the apartment naked in front of me. I'd always thought my brother was attractive, but holy shit! I could barely contain myself, looking at his strong, hairy body. His thick thighs were all the proof I needed that he would be an amazing fucker.
With Caleb, at least I wasn't lusting after a family member. Instead, every Wednesday now, my anxiety rose just at the thought of seeing Caleb after my therapy session. One week, I was so flustered that it wasn't until I'd walked for six blocks that I realized I'd left my phone at Dr. Martinez's office.
I walked back, and waved to the doorman on my way in.
"Forgot something?" he smiled.
"Can't live without that."
I went upstairs and knocked on the door. There was no response, but I was certain Dr. Martinez and Caleb were there, they just probably couldn't hear me. Behind this door, there was a small waiting room; then another door behind which the sessions took place.
I opened the door to the waiting room and heard something I'd never heard round here before. Usually this place was super quiet. Now, someone was making loud noise, because… they were fucking!
It took me a few seconds to wrap my mind around it but that's exactly what was happening! I walked slowly across the waiting room, getting closer to the two manly voices. It was Caleb and Dr. Martinez.
I was stunned, but I couldn't turn away. I listened to their "fuck yeahs" and "take thats," getting a hard-on in my pants.
"Dr. Martinez must be in an open marriage," I thought, only to be proven wrong seconds later.
"You like that, you cheating bastard? Huh, you fucking slut?!"
"Fuck yeah! Fuck me! Fuck my cheating ass."
My eyes widened. So Dr. Martinez was the one being fucked. This was wrong on so many levels, but my dick kept getting harder.
"Ah-h-h-h, fu-u-u-uck ye-e-e-eah," Dr. Martinez moaned as if he was being fucked by a jackhammer. I closed my eyes. Maybe it was a good thing I couldn't see them; it was even hotter imagining them this way. Dr. Martinez bent over his desk, the Stepfordian photo of him and his hubby knocked down on the floor. His expensive suit and tie still on, but his pants pulled down, like a naughty kid that was about to be spanked.
I unbuckled my belt and pulled out my dick, standing on the other side of the door, risking getting caught myself. I spit in my hand and started to stroke my cock.
Dr. Martinez always had a nice ass. I pictured it pushed up, being fucked by his patient's dick. It didn't sound like a gentle fuck, either. Dr. Martinez moaned, then started to cough. I wondered if Caleb was pulling his tie, choking him with it. A tie that might've been a present from his clueless husband. A husband that right now might be picking the perfect restaurant for them to go to tonight, or planning their next perfect vacation; all the while he was being cheated on.
I wondered how big Caleb's dick was. From Dr. Martinez's moans and grunts, it didn't sound like a small one. I stroked my nine-incher harder and harder until I started thinking about… my brother.
I opened my eyes. I remembered the intense moment of Patrick and I measuring dicks side by side. I looked down at my current erection, knowing my brother would be very impressed by it. Jealous, even. Sweet Patty, always taking care of me. If I could give him a couple of inches, I would.
I continued to listen to Caleb fucking Dr. Martinez loudly, but I started to imagine Patrick fucking me. Six or sixteen inches, I'm sure he could fuck like a pro. Usually, I only thought of him subconsciously, in a dream. Now, I decided to let go of the guilt, just for this moment. If the two men on the other side of the door were doing something forbidden, I'm allowed to merely fantasize about it as well.
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck," the fuck fest across the door continued. I closed my eyes again, and started jacking off faster.
This time, instead of picturing Dr. Martinez bent over his desk, I pictured myself, bent over my brother's bed. His dick sliding back and forth inside of me, his hairy balls hitting my thighs as he fucked me.
"Oh, Patty," I thought, then remembered his face when I was at the hospital. "You're all I have!" he'd said to me. He looked so sweet as he said it. His bearded face, normally stern and manly, looked adorable at that moment.
Fuck! I started to cum. I shot my load all over Dr. Martinez's polished wood door, as he continued to be fucked by his other patient. The door was a dark brown and my cum glistened as it slid down. The same cum I'd shot on my brother's hairy leg when we were measuring and comparing dicks.
"Patrick," I thought, as the last couple of spurts of jizz shot out of my dick. I started to zip up. I had to leave. I'll come back for my phone later. Right now, I needed to get away and figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do about my brother...